


Gone Before I Really Knew You

by ClusterOfStars



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Role Reversal, Angst, Bittersweet, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Mentions of Suicide, Recreational Drug Use, Swearing, evan is a ghost
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21567739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClusterOfStars/pseuds/ClusterOfStars
Summary: Evan fucking Hansen was dead.Suddenly Connor was all too aware of the note sitting at the bottom of his backpack. He should have thrown that thing out as soon as he snatched it. He dumped out his backpack all over the floor. The letter was sitting in a crumpled heap on top of the pile of overdue assignments and old books.He took the paper and unfolded it. He read it. Then he read it again. He didn't know how much time passed or how many times he'd re-read it before finally sitting it down onto his lap. By now, he didn't think he could forget what was written if he tried._____________________Through the death of a student, Connor suddenly gets thrown right in the middle of the life of a kid he hardly knew. Along the way, he learns a lot about himself, and that maybe he and Evan weren't different as he thought.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Connor Murphy, Alana Beck & Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 51





	Gone Before I Really Knew You

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for the chapter: mentions of suicide, swearing, and recreational drug use 
> 
> This was a role reversal thing I did for a contest on DEH amino. It was supposed to be a one-shot, but I figured I continue it if people liked it.

_"Students it is my deepest sorrow to inform you that the student Evan Hansen has passed due to suicide at the beginning of the week. I know that this is a lot to take in for many of you. Counseling will be ava-"_

That when Connor stopped listening. He didn't bother asking permission before getting up out of his seat and walking out of the door. He ignored the calls of his teacher and the whispers of other students. He ducked into the nearest bathroom and locked the doors. No one else was inside. If they were, Connor would have kicked them out. He went into a stall and slammed the door behind him.

Evan fucking Hansen was dead.

Suddenly he was all too aware of the note sitting at the bottom of his backpack. He should have thrown that thing out as soon as he snatched it. He dumped out his backpack all over the floor. The letter was sitting in a crumpled heap on top of the pile of overdue assignments and old books.

He took the paper and unfolded it. He read it. Then he read it again. He didn't know how much time passed or how many times he'd re-read it before finally sitting it down onto his lap. By now, he didn't think he could forget what was written if he tried.

He'd gotten so angry the first time he read it. Connor just assumed the boy was a creep. Who writes letters to themselves anyways? Especially ones about his sister. The red flags went off and he couldn't stop himself. His morning hadn't been the best, and he needed someone to take it out on. Evan just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

But, now, re-reading the lines of the letter Evan wrote to himself, Connor realized just how much he overlooked.

_If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody's going to care._

Connor gripped the letter in his hand as anger started to burn at him. He wanted to rip it into pieces, burn it to ashes, forget about Evan Hansen and the meeting the computer lab and say he didn't care. But… he couldn't bring himself to. He couldn't because he _knew._ He and Evan, as far as he knew, had nothing in common. Evan was the quiet kid, the goody-two-shoes who never broke a rule because he was too scared to. Thee one no one really noticed or cared to. Connor was the delinquent, the school shooter, the emo kid who everyone was afraid of. He was the one that everyone expected nothing of. They were nothing alike, but he still _knew_. He knew what it was like to want to disappear. Hell, he was trying to find a way to every other week. He _knew_ what it was like not to be seen. He _knew_ and he hated Evan for it. Connor wasn't exactly sure where the hatred came from. Maybe he hated the fact that Evan had things going for him (at least that's what he used to believe). _Maybe he hated the fact that Evan actually succeeded._

But there was something under the anger. Something Connor didn't want to face, but he couldn't ignore it. Evan had killed himself the same day Connor confronted him in the computer lab. Had he been the deciding factor? The last push Evan needed? Just one more reason to leave this god-awful existence? 

That was enough for one day. Connor shoved everything back into his backpack and tossed it in the wall, maybe with more force than necessary, but he didn't care. He slipped a joint out of his jacket pocket. He didn't normally have weed on him during school, again, he had a rough morning. That only got worse. He figured he'd need it. He eyed the letter on the floor as he pulled out the lighter. 

Just then an announcement came over the speakers.

_"Connor Murphy, please come to the principal's office. Connor Murphy, to the principal's office."_

Great. Just fucking great.


End file.
